Monday, March 17, 2008
Your Morning News 3.17.08
Posted by Jeff in bear stearns, cloverfield, crane collapse, dick cheney, eliot spitzer, Iraq, kanye west, paul mccartney, Your Morning News
We decided to take a nice, relaxing week off, and I’m sure absolutely nothing of interest happened in the news.
…
Oh good God.
In a way, we’re kind of glad we missed Spitzermania. Within an hour of the news breaking, we were already sick of the name “Client #9″. We didn’t want to have to put in a bid for Ashlee Alexandra Dupree’s naked photos. We knew we wouldn’t be able to resist David Paterson/Stevie Wonder jokes. So let’s simply move onward:
Just as we, much like President Bush, had started deluding ourselves out of a recession, the scrappy investment bank Bear Stearns ran out of cash and had to sell itself to rival JPMorgan for $236 million, or 1/15th of their total cost. Guess Stearns hadn’t received its economic stimulus check yet. As a result, the global markets are already taking a spanking today, and it’s likely only to be worse here.
The traditional fifth anniversary gift is wood, and what’s more wooden than Dick Cheney? The Vice President made a surprise trip to Iraq to celebrate the five year anniversary of the U.S. invasion, meeting with General Petraeus and the U.S. ambassador. Cheney brought along his wife and daughter, making this the worst Spring Break trip ever. John McCain is also over in Mesopotamia, and ThinkProgress points out that he won’t be stopping by the infamous open-air market from his visit last year, due to it being in control of a radical cleric’s army.
Three people are still missing after a 19 story tall construction crane collapsed in Manhattan Saturday, killing four and injuring many more. A clearly distraught Cloverfield monster held an impromptu press conference, promising, “Seriously guys, this one wasn’t me.”
Finally today, Paul McCartney was ordered to pay $48 million to ex-wife Heather Mills. We here at 2.0somethings look forward to McCartney’s impending “Golddigger” duet with Kanye West.