2.0somethings

8:00 - American Gladiators (NBC)

The semifinals are on, and there’s a new Gladiator debuting tonight.  Let’s take guess as to his name.  Spear!  Hyper!  Rhino!  Pull-tab!  Oh, wait, it’s on NBC’s site, I guess it’s ‘Beast‘ …and he’s seven feet tall!   That’s a full 14 inches over dumbass Rocket, last season’s winner!  Damn.

9:00 - Top Gear (BBC America)

Smart of BBC America to be ramping up their quality programming during the summer - between Top Gear and Spaced, they’re kicking the crap out of our domestic networks.  Tonight on Top Gear: funny accents and steering wheels on the wrong side.  Also: Hammond’s a homo!  HAHAHAHAHA.

10:00 - Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel)

Tony heads to Saudi Arabia to apply his rude ‘tude to OPEC negotiations.  Or, more likely, to eat broiled scorpion or something.

Late Night

Will Ferrell takes his shirt off on Dave, Kyra Sedgwick makes me delete TNT from my channel listing on Leno, Richard “Something about Subprime Mortgages” Bitner is on The Daily Show and Senator Jim Webb swears he doesn’t want the VP spot … … on Colbert.

7:30 - NBA Draft (ESPN)

I guess you could watch the NBA Draft, but frankly, I’m not sure why you’d want to.  Why not watch some more excellent George Carlin standup?  HBO2 has it on from 8 until the wee hours.

8:00 - Batman Begins (FX)

Christian Bale says he’s willing to play Bruce Wayne in dinner theater into his fifties.  I want to know: are those tickets available for preorder?

10:00 - I Love the New Millennium: 2007 (VH1)

Hey, remember last year?  More importantly, why would you want to?

Late Night

An Olsen is on Dave, I refuse to repeat my nipple hoisting joke for James McAvoy being on Ferguson, Ted Koppel is on the Daily Show, and Rep. Robert Wexler is on Colbert.

All evening - Wimbledon Coverage (Tennis Channel)

Spoilers: Roger Federer wins.  Everything.

8:00 - Starsky & Hutch (FX)

It’s sad to think that this and Dodgeball are the only remotely watchable Ben Stiller movies since 2001.  Fingers crossed for Tropic Thunder.

9:30 - George Carlin Again! (HBO2)

Some vintage Carlin from 1978.  Clearly we’re not members of the mainstream media because we wrote something about George Carlin without saying “HEY GUYS WORDS YOU CAN’T SAY ON TV, RIGHT?  RIGHT?”

Late Night

Abigail Breslin sluts it up on Letterman, Coldplay makes the Daily Show that much more genericly poppy, and a couple authors bore me to death on Colbert.  Everyone else is on vacation.  Jerks.

Keeping it light, I’m at a nerd conference so I should really be paying attention to what’s going on.

8:00 - American Gladiators (NBC)

Husbands vs. Wives.  Sigh.  Is there no dumb reality convention Gladiators won’t touch?  Next week: Wolf and Titan swap wives and Hellga votes herself off.

8:00 - Top Gear (BBC America)

I’m starting to become a total BBC America addict.  Top Gear is the funniest magazine show on television (soon to be butchered by Adam Carolla), Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares is way more tolerable than Hell’s Kitchen, and by God that’s John Oliver’s sexy voice serenading me during station commercials.  What a delight.

9:00 - I Love the New Millennium (VH1)

VH1 was faced with doing either I Love the Nifty 50’s or this, and I guess they made the correct decision.  Of course, I predicted this several years ago…

Late Night

Will Smith freshens up Letterman, Jonah Hill is increasingly disturbing looking on Conan, David Hasselhoff eats a sandwich on Ferguson, James McAvoy is hoisted by his nipples on The Daily Show, Barbara Ehrenreich is somebody I don’t know on Colbert, and Leno’s on vacation.

8:00 - Animal House (AMC)

My single biggest regret from college, honestly, is not getting to know a cool professor, particularly one like Donald Sutherland in Animal House.  And not just because that dude had some chill grass.

9:00 EST - NBA Finals Game 6 (ABC)

It’s back in Boston, baby, and I bet you this entire blog that the Celtics put it away.  (Don’t tell Josh.)

10:00 - 30 Days (FX)

Morgan Spurlock’s documentary series is often a great way to shed light on a group of people who I can’t stand.  But tonight’s might push me over the edge: a hunting activist moves in with a PETA protester.  I really honestly can’t tell who I want to be dropped down a mineshaft more.

10:00 - Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale (Comedy Central)

I do a killer Jim Gaffigan impression.  Particularly that bit he always does with the high pitched internal monologue of some confused prude in the audience.  “What is he doing up there?  I’m uncomfortable!” Trust me, it’s great.

Late Night

Might I interest you in some Steve Carrell and Lance Armstrong on Letterman?  No?  Then I strongly recommend Don Rickles and Charles Barkley on Leno.  Not your speed?  Hmm.  Well, I don’t think you would like the Megan Mullally on Conan, but maybe the CBS News cutie Lara Logan on The Daily Show, or the author Jonathan Zittrain on Colbert would meet your fancy.