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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Your Morning News 5.14.08

Posted by Jeff in , , , , , , , ,

SHOCKER!! Hillary Clinton takes 67% of the West Virginia primary vote! She went on to give a 20 minute speech about mountains, swing states, and “their wonderful natural treasure,” Sen. Robert Byrd. Let’s take a look at a portion of the transcript:

AUDIENCE: Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!

Sounds like a real barn-burner. Obama managed to still add to his superdelegate count, and is now 135.5 delegates away from seizing.

The Democrats picked up a traditionally Republican House seat in Mississippi last night, despite the campaign efforts of President Bush, Vice President Cheney, nominee McCain and general crazy guy Huckabee. One theory is that the attempt to smear Travis Childers, the democratic candidate, by associating him with Barack Obama actually backfired, as black turnout was reported as particularly high.

The death toll from the Chinese earthquake continues to rise with numbers in the tens of thousands, and now it looks like there is going to be danger from structurally damaged dams. The Chinese government has proven to be surprisingly open about their disaster response, as images were broadcast on state television across the country.

Finally, federal prosecutors hit Big Bad Barry Bonds with a new indictment, featuring a whole bunch more felony counts of perjury. Bonds accepted the indictment, and then asked if the prosecuting team needed a new DH for their summer softball league.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Your Morning News 12.13.07

Posted by Josh in , , , , , ,

Mitchell Report

Today’s most important story that no one really understands: The Federal Reserve and a bunch of European banks are going to pump $40 billion dollars into the banking system. This is to prevent something bad, but lots of smart people say it won’t work. If anyone asks you about it, just say it is really in response to the US housing market (it is down) and say that you moved all your assets in baseball cards and the yuan.

Today’s stories that could be plucked from any time 2000-Present: Democrats can’t get their shit together, and blame each other. Also President Bush hates poor kids. If you are a Republican, blame the Democrats for not being able to get anything done and call SCHIP a step towards socialized medicine. If you are a Democrat, do the same.

Today’s story involving New Hampshire (These only come around every 4 years): The are very much starting to love them some Barack Obama. Chumps will compare Obama to Howard Dean, you can sound smarter by comparing him to Bill Bradley.

Today’s story that is likely to dominate the news for weeks even though we are at war, in a Presidential election, and facing a recession: A probe by former Senator George S. Mitchell into drug use in Major League Baseball is going to be released today. It is expected to criticize everyone who has ever been involved in the sport and, more to the point “At least 60 current and former players, including past winners of the league’s Cy Young and Most Valuable Player awards, are expected to be implicated in the 300-page document.” Talk about the bad effect drugs have had on the game while furiously trying to find and destroy your old Mark McGuire jersey.