Monday, March 3, 2008
Josh ain’t around (he’s in New York again, or dead, or something), so let’s hit you up with some news you can use:
The Hillary Clintonbot 9000 made an appearance on Saturday Night Live during an ‘editorial response’, responding to the question of “How’s the campaign going?” with “Oh, the campaign is going very well, very, very well. Why what have you heard?” Hearty laughter was enjoyed all around, until a desperate Hillary continued, “Seriously, what have you heard? My campaign hasn’t let me see a newspaper since September.”
The United States is dropping some serious knowledge, and missiles, in Somalia in an effort to take out an al-Qaida suspect. When reached for comment, President Bush reiterated his strong desire for a “bitchin” Black Hawk Down sequel.
Vladimir Putin’s hand-picked successor, Dimitry Medvedev, won Russia’s presidential election in a landslide over the weekend. As part of the ceremonial turnover, Medvedev will receive keys to the Kremlin gates, his photo on the cover of Time, and a free side salad coupon good at every Olive Garden in the former USSR.
Impending college graduates: if you’re stuck between working at the Gap for a little while, or becoming a member of a Palestinian rocket launching squad, lean towards the turtlenecks: Israeli forces spent the weekend performing ground raids and air strikes to knock out militant rocketeers.
Finally, the Iditarod has begun, which begs the question – are serious Iditarod fans like Nascar fans? Like, eskimo rednecks?
Thursday, January 31, 2008
As we predicted, Rudy Giuliani officially dropped out of the Presidential race and endorsed John McCain. Unfortunately, history decrees that Giuliani can’t do anything in this campaign without being overshadowed, so one of the other candidates had to drop out too. Kudos to John Edwards for stepping up to the plate.
That is right, Democratic candidate John Edwards officially withdrew from the campaign yesterday. Edwards said, “It is time for me to step aside so history can blaze its path.” (In case you are confused, John Edwards was the one who wasn’t the black guy or the woman). No word on an endorsement from Edwards yet. Most recent reports had chests of gold being delivered from the Clinton and Obama offices to Edward’s home in North Carolina.
Republicans turned their attention to California yesterday for a debate between the Presidential candidates at the Ronald Reagan Library. It was the final Republican debate before next week’s Super-Duper Tuesday (Imaybe). The two front runners, Sen. McCain and former Gov. Romney, went at it like dogs over a soup bone. Gov. Romney accused McCain of distorting his record on… etc etc. Unfortunately, at no point in the night did Sen. McCain’s most recent endorser, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, spring to his defense by attacking Gov. Romney with a broadsword or dropping him off of a cliff. Maybe he is saving it for the general election.
As part of the newly launched “War on Interest Rates,” the Federal Reserve has cut interest rates for the second time in 8 days. Despite this “bold” move (Can it really be bold if that is what everyone expected the move to be?) many people say the economy is still in trouble.
Remember waaaaaaay back in 2006, when Israel invaded Lebanon? Well, they did. It turned into a huge mess, and the Government commissioned a formal inquiry into the whole thing. It is kind of like the Iraq Study Group, but with (Jewish joke redacted because Josh isn’t Jewish no matter how much he wishes he was). The report, released yesterday, says that Israel political and military leaders made huge mistakes in the War’s conception and execution. Apparently, many predicted that the report would be more scathing in its assessment of Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Because it wasn’t, Olmert will most likely not partake in the ancient Isreali custom of political leaders who botch wars being forced to resign. How quaint.
Finally, China has been hit with massive rains and blizzards, which occurred during the biggest Chinese holiday of the year. Because of the bad weather, millions are stuck in airports and unable to return home. The Chinese government is trying to control the snow, and has dispatched the army to help clear roads and keep people calm. As one BBC commentator put it, “large crowds make this Government nervous.”
