Thursday, June 12, 2008
See, you could have gotten your news hours ago, but by waiting and reading it here you are getting something those chumps who read the morning papers didn’t get: The news that the Supreme Court has just ruled that Guantanamo Bay detainees have the right to appeal their detentions in civilian courts. Now the next phase of the terrorists devious plot to drain our resources through lawsuits and trying to get “civil rights” can take affect.
Pakistan, Obama, Beer and Porn after the jump
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Thursday, March 27, 2008
The New York Times leads with a marquee (code for long) piece chronicling an American contractor who was hired by the Pentagon to providing supplies and ammunition to the Afghan military and police forces (that is, they were providing them until the army was notified of the story). Apparently, the company is run by a 22-year-old former masseur (go 2.0somethings!) out of an unmarked Miami Beach office. The company has a penchant for buying ammunition from former Soviet block countries and China that was made in the 50s and 60s. I highly recommend you check out the piece. Apparently, the tipoff for the Times was when several Humvees that were delivered didn’t pass inspecting and turned out to be made of chocolate.
If I had actually done the morning news yesterday instead of oversleeping, I would be able to say, “Like we talked about yesterday, Shiite militias in Basra and Baghdad continued to clash with Iraqi security forces.” I say this just so that you are aware this has been going on for a few days and don’t e-mail your friends with, “OMG DID YOU HEAR ABOUT IRAQ.” What, am I the only person who does stuff like that?
Senator McCain yesterday gave a speech outlining his foreign policy positions. He sought to contrast himself from President Bush while at the same time saying that we will be in Iraq forever. He also called for the creation of a “League of Democracies,” which is like a cool kids United Nations where smelly China and stupid North Korea don’t get to come and play.
At the same time Senator McCain was talking about his foreign policy, we were getting a taste of what President McCain’s foreign policy would probably look like. The U.S. has been scaling up the number of unilateral attacks it has been making inside of Pakistan targeting Al Queda fighters. Apparently, we are afraid that the new democratically elected new Prime Minister is going to scale back the military operations being conducted there and may ask the US to please stop bombing Pakistan. We can’t have that, so we are trying to get all the bombing we can in under the buzzer. Let Freedom Ring.
Another story of importance to Senator McCain is that apparently there are massive changes going on in the way we treat heart attacks. Many new reports and studies say that drugs, combined with diet and exercise, make angioplasty (blowing a small balloon to clear blocked arteries) unnecessary. This is compounded by new studies showing that angioplasty can be quite dangerous. This probably wasn’t worth including, but sometimes I include an entire news story just for the joke in the first sentence.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Quick side note, it’s 6:30 am and my Red Sox are losing to the damn A’s. That doesn’t really matter, because baseball is back.
Big news out of Iraq as President Bush yesterday conferred with General Patraeus and Ambassador David Crocker on the future of Iraq. The President acknowledged the sacrifices made so far but said that the US troops are doing little but try to police a civil war and it is time for them to start coming home. PSYCH. Actually he said that he was stopping the currently reductions in troop levels until at least after July–though probably until he gets tossed out of the White House next January.
The UN, Presidential Campaigns, Soot, and Pakistan after the jump.
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Senator Barack Obama won the Wisconsin and the Hawaii primaries last night. This means the Senator has won ten primaries in a row. If he has been getting his card punched, the 11th one is free. Everyone focused on the fact that Obama won Wisconsin by by winning majorities in every demographic, including white men and union households, which has been strongly for Clinton in part primaries. Everyone also notes that Clinton took a much harsher line of a attack against Obama in her concession speech; at least she did until Obama came out to give his victory speech early and cut her off. It should get fun from here.
Senator Obama has an Op-Ed in USA Today about public funding of campaigns, or finance limits, or something. Apparently John McCain won’t do something and that makes Obama sad.
Since Castro stepped down early yesterday morning, many of the papers have features covering Castro’s career as the longest-serving head of state in the world. The Los Angeles Times has a feature that briefly profiles the four most likely successors. Most people say that Castro’s younger brother, Raul (a hale and hearty 76), hass been running the country on a day-to-day basis for years now and will likely take over. However, some say that Castro is hinting at someone younger. If it comes up, just talk about how little is likely to change in Cuba until we have a new President. Also, you could make a joke about the embargo finally working.
The dust is finally settling from Pakistan’s elections yesterday. The Pakistan People’s Party, former led by Benazir Bhutto, appeared to be the big winner and will form a coalition government with the Pakistan Muslim League-N. President Musharraf has said he will not step down, but time will tell if he sticks to that. Time will also tell how the new government reacts to the United States, which strongly backed Musharraf.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The biggest news today is that Fidel Castro, the aged leader of Communist Cuba and track suit aficionado, will be retiring. Finally, the long national nightmare is over and we have defeated the godless Communists! Castro announced his retirement in his newspaper column. Can you imagine if our President had a newspaper column? Wouldn’t that be great? We could finally have a forum for insights like these unencumbered by the idiot “journalists.”
Pakistan held elections yesterday which saw President Musharraf’s party losing seats in Parliament to the two opposition parties. There were clashes at polling stations all across the country with dozens reported dead, but most experts say the elections were relatively free and fair (so about as good as Florida). President Musharraf may be removed from power by the new opposition-controlled parliament or he may step down himself. This won’t really effect the United States, since we do whatever the hell we want in Pakistan. If anyone asks you about this, just say that it will likely strain ethnic and tribal tensions in Pakistan (that is my go-to answer for when anyone asks me about anything having to do with Pakistan).
Keep an eye on the Wisconsin Democratic Primary Election today and watch as people are prepare for next week’s elections in Texas and Ohio. Many stories are highlighting the irony that a campaign that has been so dominated by race and gender issues is coming down to states where the largest voting blocks are white men. I, for one, think it is about damn time that white men decided something in this country.
Today’s New York Time’s column that if you replaced “Obama” with “Arcade Fire” could be a pitchfork review: David Brooks! Congratulations Mr. Brooks, don’t forget to pick up your gift bag. I guess they still tease him in the Times newsroom for this, so he felt the need to get some street cred back. For the record, this blog totally knew about Obama before he went all main-stream and thinks his early stuff was way better.
